Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Consumer feedback

Pretty Lady would never be so gauche as to actually write this letter herself, but she is privately glad that somebody else did. Condescension and vulgarity in product packaging has long been a phenomenon that she has unwillingly tolerated.

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya.. . See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping...bitching or crying for no apparent reason...and oh...(my personal favorite) does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity???? ?

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbiturates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your a**!

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?


Pretty Lady said...

Mindless male wasteland? But honey, they're so cute!

Dear, I would like to issue a stern warning to you. It is dangerous to define yourself solely in opposition to anything. This is a Diminishing and Self-Defeating enterprise. One must be, gloriously, Positive. One can then call any shot that one might incline to.

Pretty Lady said...

Conspiracy theories will get you nowhere, my dear; reality is, indeed, much stranger. I very much doubt that dear VD has either the inclination or the capacity to invent a personality like Spacebunny's. Only Shakespeare or Jane Austen could have done it, and although VD works very hard at his fiction, the subtleties of characterization still elude him.

Pretty Lady said...

Young lady, I think we need to get one thing clear. I do not Take Sides. I am very sincerely fond of VD and all his quixotic little friends, and the fact that I frequently disagree with them on matters of policy and ideology does not matter a scrap. Taking pot-shots is beneath the both of us, although we may frequently succumb to the temptation.

Something to remember--the Issue at Hand is never the true issue. Know this, and compassion will blossom.

Matt said...

Is it true that orgasms help to alleviate the pain of cramps? I don't remember where I heard that.

I am male.

Anonymous said...

"the Issue at Hand is never the true issue."

How rare - someone who gets it.

Anonymous said...

'I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya'

PL: I love it when the Texan in you peeks through.

Matriarch: You're as nutty as your male namesake.

I read your blogger profile.


You wish.

Just obnoxious.


Pretty Lady said...

Actually, JohnR, I can't take credit for the 'triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya' line. It was forwarded. However it WAS forwarded from Texas.

Kiwi the Geek said...

gy!be, if you can find a woman who feels like having sex while she can't even stand up straight, you could experiment.

Personally, I think each Kotex pad, instead of dispensing trite advice, should be bundled with 4 Advil. What a wonderful business partnership that would be!