Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Anatomy of Niceness

Pretty Lady is a bit tired of hearing that women will "claw their way over a dozen nice guys to get to the jerk." (I don't remember where I read this, but somehow it sticks in my mind.) On some level, there is a bit of truth to this statement; the woman's virtue of compassion, when taken to the extreme, leads to co-dependency. Thus when a swarthy, moody gentleman is lounging in a corner, exuding misogyny, cynicism, and alienated anomie, the Good Woman will immediately spring to attention, and swarm her way over to heal the devil's wounded soul. This is unfortunate, but it is the Way We Are.

However, in my experience, it is simply not true that Nice Guys always lose out on the goodies. Pretty Lady admits that her own taste in men is terrible. She has always been the first in line to soak up abuse from a moody stranger. However, her terrible taste does not extend to her male friends. She could name you a dozen bright fellows off the top of her head, with whom she has shared many a late-night study session, bourbon and anchovy pizza, art opening or tractor pull, who are Nice Guys par excellence. Many of them were also, in college at least, pimply-faced dweebs with the sexual magnetism of a doorknob.

This dweeb factor did not, however, prevent a single one of them from drawing the attention of one or two of the classiest, brainiest, most quietly beautiful and nurturing women on the market, and marrying them before they turned thirty. No, the women did not swarm; if you want swarming, get a tattoo and an alcohol problem. But classy women are not fools. They appreciate quality when they find it.

The thing is, women have Intuition. This means that they will frequently overlook what is staring them in the face, but things that are hidden will be sensed immediately. So it goes that an openly philandering, rage-filled hoodlum will always incur a second glance, but a mild-mannered milquetoast whose smile hides a smouldering resentment, insecurity and hostility toward women will give her the creeps. She'll feel vaguely guilty about it, but she will flee.

So, gentlemen, all you self-defined Nice Guys out there who cannot get a date, it is time for some brutal honesty. Look yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself this question: am I truly a Nice Guy? Or am I, deep down, a Smarmy Twerp?

Let me elaborate. A Smarmy Twerp is prone to whining. He claims that he is nice, he is kind, he is a Good Listener; but if he were really listening he'd know that truthfully, he's Not Her Type. A Smarmy Twerp will be unctuous toward everything that is female and has a pulse, and glom onto the first one who is polite to him, no matter how little they have in common. A Smarmy Twerp is prone to lie to himself--about his looks, his intelligence, his income, his motives. He will talk to anyone who listens; he will talk, and talk, and talk about things which are inappropriate and boring to his audience. If he listens to a woman, it will likely be to commiserate with her sufferings, and thus bring the topic back round to whining about himself.

A large number of Smarmy Twerps of my acquaintance have been, consciously or no, setting themselves up for failure and rejection. It is important to understand when a woman is Out Of Your League. Being, dare I say, somewhat brilliant and rather striking myself, I have noticed that there are two types of men who ask me out; those who are roughly in the ballpark and very, very brave, and those who are too dumb to have a clue. Men who are reasonably bright tend to be intimidated. Do not think this is arrogance; I have lived awhile. I know.

Just as many a policeman is, deep down, a wannabe criminal without the nerve to face the consequences, many a pseudo Nice Guy is a creep without the guts to admit it. If he woke up one morning with Mel Gibson's face and Vin Diesel's charisma, he'd be the first to line up the bitches and start sowing a crop of fatherless children. He's usually a closet chauvinist; if he didn't believe that women were inherently inferior, he'd never have the nerve to pat the elbow of a woman whose I.Q. and social station is two standard deviations above his own.

One of the things I've noticed, having passed the age of thirty, is that I am now swatting away men in their fifties and sixties by the truckload. They're not distinguished professional widowers with a house and an IRA, either; they're dim non-starters with potbellies and bad teeth, who will assuredly be dependent upon Social Security for the bulk of their retirement plan. It's as though they assume that any single woman over thirty is on the "clearance" rack, no matter how many princes she spurned in her prime. Yes, lovely younger women do marry potbellied old geezers from time to time. But take a look at that potbellied old geezer's bank account, and be realistic. Money and power are sexy; being chained to an impoverished loser is not.

Gentlemen, please get a clue. Women are inclined, by nature and culture, to be polite. It is a rare girl who will say to a man's face, "I'm out of your fucking league. Get a life." We will be sweet; we will say we are busy, we will claim to be brokenhearted, we will laugh prettily and smile wistfully when we decline your charming invitation. If you hate us for doing so, that is your problem. But take a good hard look at your own soul before you blame us.


Anonymous said...

This is why I did a technology leap and went to Ukraine for a wife. She's beautiful, intelligent, and 17 years younger than me. I really enjoy seeing the look of sick panic on American women's faces nowadays, especially the ones over 35. American women are crap and always have been. I learned that when I first went to live in Europe 20 years ago. I never went back to American women either. Why drive a Ford when you can have all the BMWs and Mercedes you can see? It gives me great pleasure to be able to outsource all you spoiled egomaniacal American women. You have an edge on your home turf only because there is a profound shortage of attractive women. Overseas, American women are hopelessly outclassed. Revenge is sweet and best served cold.

Pretty Lady said...

Darling, Pretty Lady has nothing but congratulations for you, that you have found a woman who makes you happy, and she only hopes that you will remain so, once your wife becomes fluent in the subtleties of the English language. She fails to see how vengeance enters into it, however.

I must confess that I have a decided preference for European men, myself. American men can appear to be a bit misogynistic.

Anonymous said...

Damn, you're classy. I would've just called him an ass ;)
I am extremely lucky to have married a Genuine Nice Guy. Now that we're nearing our high-school reunion, he's been getting a lot of "how the hell are you?" emails and phone calls from all the "just-a-friend" chicks who wouldn't give him a second glance back in the day (to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have either, but that's because I spent the greater part of my adolescence in a state of temporary retardation), who are decidedly disappointed to hear that he is not only steadily employed in a technical field, but a married father. Of course, I'm getting my share of those emails from dudes who are shocked to learn that the Harlot of Labette (and Riley, and Montgomery, and. . .) County is now a monogamous SAHM.
After I got over my "Jerks are Sexy" phase, I went through a few pseudo-nice guys, but I got really tired of the crying during sex and the cutting "Look what you made me do" into their own torsos when I went out with the girls. "Nice" doesn't equal "Emo", folks.

Anonymous said...

I know this is an old post, but hey, someone might read this and I just want to set the record straight. I used to be one of those nice guys and I have to say that you missed the mark a little with this post. I know a lot of nice guys and I never once heard any of them ask why women are attracted to "bad boys". What they want to know is why women stay with bad boys and why after dating one jerk a women that seems to be inteligent would move right on to another jerk. Also, as tired as you are of hearing nice (or psuedo nice) guys whining about how women are atracted to jerks, it can't be nearly as tiring as when a nice guy hears something like "Why can't I find someone more like you? You're so great, and all the guys I date are jerks." Yeah, that gets old fast. Then there is the matter of what kind of women that bad boys get in comparison to nice guys. Bad boys tend ot get these really great women who love them unconditionally and stay with them in spite of (or maybe because of) their faults. Nice guys tend to get either really insecure women who need constant compliments to get through the day, women that expect the nice guy to be a doormat, or (and this one is my personal favorite) howl at the moon, only a REALLY nice guy would take my crap, psycho women. It hardly seems fair.

Anonymous said...

Can you add forty year old men to that list. You know, those guys who were married once, and are all about feelings. Thiers. The late forty year old men who complain about every single women they have gone out with in the past year. Those men who willingly share their sexual exploits with anyone who will listen, and are so disappointed and then nasty when you politely don't accept any of their invitations.

Anonymous said...

Agree with you again there pretty lady – very good points.

But I also think theres something to what those men are saying. Certain types of niceness aren’t in my experience appreciated by most women - excessive meekness, always wanting the women to make decisions etc. A few years back I was on a thread on a busy yahoo board and I told men it was wrong to pay for sex as it encourages sex trafficking . (not sure if that is true in USA, but it is here in Europe) I had lots of men saying stuff like they were too nice for women to like them and they coudnt get sex any other way. Here’s the advise I gave to them (was using the ID “the kid” at the time.)


Quite a few posters seemed to think they were too nice. The kid knows about women , and trust me most of them prefer nice men. OK if you’re a nice guy who wants to get with a bad assed gangsta loving chick u may need to pay her.

But generally niceness is an advantage.

However there are 3 important things you need to know.

1) Women do like men to be assertive sometimes. Personally the kid thinks a gentlemen should always ask women about what they want to do , at least until he knows the woman well. But if for example you ask your girl where she wants to eat and she says she doesn’t mind, it probably wont impress her if you tell her you don’t mind either and ask her the question again. Don’t be afraid to make decisions when your girl doesn’t have a firm preference either way.
2) Niceness combined with strength & intelligence is great – people like that are always v popular , even if there not all that funny. But niceness combined with neediness sometimes winds people up. Basically the kid is saying be sure your being nice cos you genuinely care about other peoples feelings , not just ‘cos you want them to be nice to you back.
3) Niceness in bed. Your modern woman appreciates the freedom to be as active as she likes in the bedroom, and offcourse her happiness should always come first. In the kids experience at least , a man will always enjoy any kind of sex , even if its with someone hes been sleeping with for 10 years… But after a womans fallen out of lust she can need a lot of consideration to carry on enjoying sex; even if you’re a quite a sexy guy shes always going to stop lusting you after a few months (unless maybe she falls in love with you) . That said there is such a thing as being too considerate and gentle. Sometimes a woman likes to be treated as a women , especially in bed . Most women do like a man to take the lead more often than not. And most will appreciate a bit of male aggression every now and then – the kid had to learn this for himself , its not something that always comes naturally for a caring type. Ill give some examples in a bit. First off , its important not to be too aggressive until your sure your girl wants sex. And she should never feel physically threatened. Some women don’t like to be asked for sex, they prefer a man to just start touching them in a progressively more sexual way… But don’t try ordering your girl to take her clothes off unless your sure she wants to. Its when shes already undressed and you can see shes in the mood that its best to experiment with being manly. One of the easiest things to say is “On your knees!” Say it in a firm tone of voice as though you exspect to be obeyed. If you do it right she should obey with a cheeky grin , or at least a smile . Off course if she doesn’t seem to appreciate orders then stop, the kids never met any but there are supposed to be lots of women out there with no submissive side to them at all. Another example is when she’s in position for some doggie style action , firmly say “head down!” - just two words but great for making her feel your in command. If you find it hard to say it, the first thing you can do is gently but firmly push her head down, just to give yourself some confidence that she’ll appreciate it. Once you’ve developed a bit more confidence , you can try saying things like “on all fours” or “get down girl!” in a more playful , suggestive , black man type tone. Women absolutely love that the kid finds. Right this has been a very one sided post on how to make a woman happy in bed. Theres lots more to it than giving the occasional order. E.g. bringing fun into the bedroom , being good at massage & oral etc, but you can find that out from any good sex book or women will tell you about that sort of things themselves. But the kid doesn’t know of any books that tell you how to address the problem of being too nice, so he helps this will help.