Monday, May 22, 2006

Useless. Utterly useless creatures.

The Brat just chased the Rose-Eating Squirrel through the apartment, into Pretty Lady's studio, back into the living room, and into the bathroom, where the Rose-Eating Squirrel was veritably Cornered. Or would have been, if the Brat hadn't hung out with a stupid expression on his face while the evil Squirrel traipsed slowly out of the bathroom, through the living room, over the sofa, through the kitchen, and back out the window and up the ladder to the roof.

The Alpha Cat, meanwhile, observed these proceedings without the hint of an indication that perhaps he might consider involving himself.

Pretty Lady is veritably disgusted. She is considering stopping the flow of Canned Cat Food, until these creatures' natural instincts reassert themselves.

12 comments:

danonymous said...

Hrrrumph....same thing probably applies to us humans.

danonymous said...

whoops....er..Pretty Lady...I mean some of us humans.
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The Aardvark said...

I would pay money to see that!
...I'm easily amused.

heidi said...

My timid and slightly senile Raspberry once caught a mouse. At 4am. She brought it to me and with muffled meows woke me up. As soon as I rolled over to look the silly mouse wiggled, scared the cat and she ran away to hide under the bed.

Such pretty little pillow ornaments are my two sweet cats. But they are worthless for any other purpose.

Well, they do snuggle well and make me feel so much better.

heidi said...

THe mouse ran away and was never seen again. For those who care.

jackadandy said...

A good mouser is worth its weight in gold. But a cat that doesn't handle the vermin with definitive dispatch is on borrowed time in my house.

We don't ask much of these creatures. A dog needs to protect the premises from trespassing humans, a cat needs to protect the premises from vermin.

Pretty Lady, you would be justified in turning these do-nothings out on their ear until they learn what a rat tastes like in the alley. Then maybe they'll appreciate the flavor of squirrel in a warm, comfortable home.

Signed,

NoOneGetsInforFree

prettylady said...

Dandy, I have taken your advice and locked the Brat on the fire escape without any supper. He is alternately staring down at the squirrel, which is roving around on the lower levels, and looking in at me, making piteous remarks.

I shall let you all know the results.

rlh said...

That won't work. They don't understand that a squirrel could be supper, also the cat or brat probably wouldn't know how to kill it. The squirrel knows how to fight though, and they are scrappy. Your cat or brat (whatever that is) will probably get hurt --- badly --- if they try anything with the squirrel.

I have seen that happen. It's sorta sad.

Mitzi's mother in law said...

I have to concur with the squirrel versus cat battle; most wild squirrels will badly beat up on a mere house cat.

On the other hand, my uncle Jack had two Tom Cats who ran wild over many acres in the Ozarks. Working together they could kill a squirrel.

If you had a MOUSE problem, the "do not feed the cat till he does something about it" can work. I did that with one of my house cats - NO CAT FOOD FOR YOU TILL YOU GET RID OF THE VERMIN. It took two days, but I eventually had a mouse body to prove the cat deserved to be kept!

Good luck with squirrel fighting. They are some of the smartest and trickiest creatures around. I should send you my friend Jame's saga of the "tree rat" fights he waged. Funny stuff.

Mitzi's mom-in-law said...

Below is the "rant" from my friend James, concerning his problem with squirrels on his apt. balcony....
************************************

So, the squirrels have found their way up to my apartment balcony and have been raiding my bird feeders. This makes me mad. I don’t like squirrels, they are just tree going rats. Now, I need to find a way to get rid of them.

Being a nice, human person I decide that the best way to get rid of these little annoyances is to squirt them with a water gun filled with a solution of half water, half vinegar. Simple, right? No. See, apparently water guns are a seasonal item, and there is not one to be found for sale in Lawrence. None. I don’t know who makes these decisions, but I don’t remember this from my youth. I thought I could ALWAYS buy a water gun at any point. Now what? Lets examine my options

Option one: 12 gauge shot gun. I own a 12 gauge, and well, that would definitely eliminate the tree-rats. At the range I would be using it, about six feet, I am sure the squirrel would be reduced to a fine hazy red mist. Not much clean up, as the 12 gauge would make small, bio-degradable squirrel chunks. However, there are a few drawbacks. Like noise. The discharge of a shotgun in an enclosed space is not good. And then there is the small issue of a large chunk of my balcony being blasted into splinters along with Herr Tree Rat. And I am sure that some of the pellets would travel through the squirrel and continue across the parking lot, shattering the sliding glass doors of other tenants, perhaps blowing chunks out of their balconies. Now, the US military and I call this “collateral damage.” Sort of the price of doing business. My landlord calls this “forfeiture of security deposit.” My neighbors call this “psycho.” And the Douglas County DA calls it “a felony.” We can discount this option.

Option two: The Deuce-Deuce. Ahhh, yes, the .22 caliber pistol, the perennial favorite of mob hit men, the Israeli Mossad and Boy Scout troops everywhere. Small, compact, fairly quiet and able to grease squirrels. Problems? Well, bodies. Where as the shotgun would mearly require a hose job, the .22 would leave me and the surrounding area littered with squirrel corpses. Yeppers, that would get me on the news. I suppose I could skin them and make a nifty coat or something. In any case, standing on my balcony cappin’ rodents like some kind of deranged game hunter once again would bring me unwanted attention from Johnny Law. Option two, also a no go.

Option three: BB gun. The teenage boys best friend. Well, one of them anyhow. You can play with this one all you want and not have to worry about chaffing. Pretty quiet, cheap, generally accurate and packs a nasty sting. Problem? I don’t own one anymore. Once I graduated to big boy firearms, no need. Or so I thought. I guess I could buy one, but I am cheap. This also eliminates paintball guns, throwing knives, chakrams, and tomahawks. Thus option three eliminated.

Option four: trapping. I am a clever guy, I am sure I could build a trap. But them what? Now I got a squirrel in a box. An angry squirrel in a box. An angry, biting, clawing ball of white hot ball of rodent fury in a box. Need I say more? What am I a gonna do with that? Let it out? Relocate every squirrel in Meadowbrook to another location? Nope, sheer workload takes this option out of the running.

Option four: Broom handle. Yes, the old stand by. Four feet of wood. Suitable for poking, prodding, whacking and otherwise laying the smack down. See, I don’t wanna get to close to these little geeks. The one thing that sticks with me from my biology days is that rodents like to bite. And I don’t want to get bit. Rabies is not something I want. So, if I was armed with four feet of wood, I could poke, prod, whack and otherwise lay the smack down with impunity. Anydraw backs? Well, no not really. It is humane and no rodents have to die. So, I guess if you are bored you can drive by my apartment complex and watch me caper like a new age caveman poking at squirrels with a stick on my balcony. Should be good for a laugh or two.

prettylady said...

Rlh and Mitzi's mom--you are right, it didn't work. I took pity on the Brat and brought him in, along with the miniature rose that was slated for dessert. Then I saturated the rose stump with cayenne pepper.

I still believe the Alpha Cat would be able to handle a squirrel, but it seems his majesty doesn't CHOOSE to.

And the 'rant' was fabulous. It makes me feel Connected to Other People's Problems.

Mitzi's Mum said...

Sorry about your rose. If I lived near you, I'd buy you a new minature rose bush I(or 2) to replace it. But the squirrel issues make it hard - my parents made a hobby out of trying to design bird feeders that squirrels would not be able to raid. Nothing ever worked, no matter how elaborate. You might want to try a less tastey type of balcony plant. Maybe your squirrels won't eat cacti?