Sunday, May 21, 2006

The Horror

Recently viewed: Something purporting to entitle itself 'Pride and Prejudice,' starring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfal-de-ralyen-or-somesuch.

Verdict: Words fail me.

Rant: One does not make a Jane Austen novel into a Gothic melodrama. One does not do it. This was a travesty. From Keira Knightley's toothy, pointless giggling to Keira Knightley standing atop a cliff with her garments billowing behind her, this was a travesty.

On the bright side, Matthew Mac-whatchamacallit is approximately 110X hotter than Colin Firth.

But Pemberley is not, never has been, and never will be, Blenheim freakin' palace. Ditto Rosings. These are well-heeled gentlefolk, not freakin' royalty. Eliza Bennett does not look or giggle like Keira Knightley. Keira Knightley is blindingly pretty, and thus entirely wrong for Eliza Bennett. Mr. Collins is dumpier and much, much more foolish; Mr. Bingley cannot possibly be so callow; and what is UP with the TEETH? One who thinks that Englishpersons of any era, but particularly the eighteenth century, could possibly all be possessed of mouthfulls of gleaming, regular pearly whites has got hold of the wrong socialized medical system. During the last, interminably foolish scene with Eliza and Mr. Bennett, Pretty Lady was driven almost to distraction by the glare emanating from Mr. Bennett's mouth. It was positively indecent.

Pretty Lady is having palpitations. She will go make some chanomile tea, lie down, and try to forget.


Pretty Lady said...

I forgot to say--Matthew Macwhatever is 110X hotter than Colin Firth, even with the sideburns.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Kiera Knightley was too pretty to play Eliza Bennett, but they did try to dress her down for the role. The only problem is that you could burn Kiera Knightly over 80 percent of her body, roll her in mud and cover her in chicken feathers and she'd *still* be beautiful.

And yes, the giggling did get a bit annoying.

Still, I liked the movie though. I liked it very much. And not being the type with a cause or need to impress, have not an ounce of shame in admitting it.

Anonymous said...

Keira may do whatsoever she wilt. I would watch her brush her teeth, normally an act that repulses me to observe.

Pretty Lady said...

And not being the type with a cause or need to impress, have not an ounce of shame in admitting it.

Gracious, Morgan, are you implying that I DO have a cause, or a need to impress? You misunderstand me. My only cause is my passionate attachment to the novels of Jane Austen, about which, I daresay, I can be a bit puristic.

Anonymous said...

"Gracious, Morgan, are you implying that I DO have a cause, or a need to impress?"

No, not at all. Only that I felt comfortable enough with you to disagree.
It was intended as a humorous compliment to both of us, but without clarification such comments do end up like a bettle on its back - a disturbing sight until someone comes along and turns it rightside up again.

heidi said...

I adored the movie.

Being not a purist at all and not a Huge Jane Austen fan. I prefer stories where things blow up. :)

I was more than a little surprised by the palatial estate of Mr. Darcy. Still, I enjoyed Matthew Mcwhatever immensely!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh yes. Matthew McWhatever made me all weak-like in the knees. He's the only guy I've ever seen who can make "uptight" look sexy.

I'd read enough reviews beforehand to know that the movie deviated horribly from the book, and was prepared not to like it. So I was pleasantly surprised when I did.

I also enjoyed the most recent Sense and Sensibility, especially Alan Rickman. But I love Alan Rickman in anything.

Pretty Lady said...

Alan Rickman, yes! 'Give me an occupation or I shall go mad.' Yes! Alan Rickman could sit in the corner and read the phone book aloud and I would be perfectly entertained.

He's gay, you know. Doesn't matter. Just read the phone book, my dear.

Anonymous said...

He's gay??????
I think I'm going to cry. Not that I ever had a chance with him anyway, but....