Friday, April 21, 2006

Fetching the Dictionary

Pretty Lady is delighted that her fan base tends to be Persons of Quality. She feels that she must be doing something right, to attract such a number of earnest ladies and gentlemen, desiring to become better ones. Thus, perhaps, she is preaching to the choir when she hauls out the dictionary, for a precise definition of one of the most under-considered words (in her opinion) of both the current and previous centuries.

integrity n 1: an unimpaired condition: SOUNDNESS 2: firm adherence to a code of esp. moral or artistic values: INCORRUPTIBILITY 3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided: COMPLETENESS syn 1 see HONEST ant duplicity 2 see UNITY

Pretty Lady's extensive personal experience has led her to the empirical observation that if you haven't got this, you're screwed. Pretty much.

The important thing to observe, as you are contemplating the three sub-definitions of this deep and mysterious word, is that all three of them apply equally, in consideration of character. One must be, at the same time, sound, incorruptible, and complete. Also honest. Do not forget honest. One must first be honest with oneself, before one can be so with others.

But hang all of this philosophical exploration. What you really want to hear is the juicy details of why Pretty Lady didn't marry any of those jerks.

Much has been made of Pretty Lady's Terrible Taste in Men, but little consideration has been paid to the details of this terribility. Pretty Lady has one Achilles flaw--she can't STAND being bored. She requires a partner who keeps her on her toes. She prefers the company of one curly-headed anarchist who traipses the hills of Mexico with random blonde women, airily spinning theories of psychology and social philosophy off the top of his head, to a truckload of Wealthy and Upstanding Echo Chambers. This is NOT because she has an abiding interest in anarchy, or hiking, or compulsive womanizing; she just needs to be intellectually challenged. To be Predictable, with Pretty Lady, is to be Toast.

So Pretty Lady went from the Social Activist S/M Bondage addict, to the Emotionally Abusive Buddhist Monk, to the Curly Headed Womanizer, to the Angry Atheist. All these men had three things in common--enormously high intelligence, a habit of thinking outside the box, and a fractured psyche. The third element was what torched the relationship. One cannot relate wholly to another person when one is busy avoiding oneself.

This does not have to be so.

You see, friends, the true personality of an individual never adheres to stereotype. The nature of a human is to be deep and contradictory. The difficulty comes in when one attempts to rigidly adhere to a code, any code, while roughly suppressing most of one's psyche, or ignoring it, and letting it atrophy. This is the true reason for those hordes of automatons who parrot the party line ad nauseam, whatever party it might be--Democrat, Republican, Fundamentalist, or "yes, dear." These people are simply too lazy and frightened to think, and Pretty Lady despises them all.

None of these are in present company, she trusts.

No, the trap Pretty Lady has consistently fallen into is to get engrossed, not in the complications of a smart fellow earnestly trying to understand himself, but those of a smart fellow, seriously messed up. Avoidance of one's own deep mental fractures can provide, roughly, a year and a half's worth of fascinating and labyrinthine tangles, before the tape starts its repeat loop. It is not a coincidence that a year and a half is roughly the half-life of Pretty Lady's relationships.

So what to do? How do you tell which complicated, striving young man is worth the effort, and which is a bright but avoidant loser?

Pretty Lady postulates the Occam's Razor:

petty
adj 1: having secondary rank or importance: MINOR, SUBORDINATE 2: having little or no importance or significance 3: marked by or reflective of narrow interests and sympathies: SMALL-MINDED

When Pretty Lady looks back over her life, the first Red Flag has always been when somebody got petty with her. When the Angry Atheist refused to visit her apartment because parking might be difficult, despite the fact that parking was equally difficult (and earlier) in his neighborhood. When the Curly Headed Womanizer walked too fast on the way to the theatre. When the Pretty Narcissist barked at her for folding back the last page of an ancient science magazine. When the Psychotic Ex threw a tantrum because her friends talked about something that didn't interest him.

Pettiness is a sign of avoidance. Because when someone goes nuts over which movie to see, a stain on their clothing, an aversion to feathers, it is never about that. It's about some huge gap in their mental landscape which they are desperately trying to conceal. It's about a deep-seated fear of commitment, an unwillingness to assume responsibility, low self-esteem, poisonous envy, or existential terror. Petty people are dangerous. They will throw you into the jaws of their dragons, in order to avoid slaying them themselves.

Which is unutterably foolish, because then they are left with the dragon and without Pretty Lady, who makes a profession out of coaching people through the basics of dragon handling and slaughter. But one must never equate "intelligent" with "rational."

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

All these men had three things in common--enormously high intelligence, a habit of thinking outside the box, and a fractured psyche.

So, why do you characterize them as being of enormously high intelligence? How do you (personally) measure that?

As for them habitually thinking outside the box, it has been noted that discretion is often the better part of valor; habits per se aren't necessarily laudible (they bespeak a degree of compulsion), and had anyone else thought outside their particular boxes before or was it merely a novel experience for them?

Pretty Lady said...

Thank you, Rabbitslayer, I could not have said it better myself. For what it is worth, my own test scores tend to be in the upper 1% of the scale; if an individual consistently makes long, sententious speeches about things which appear to me to be staggeringly obvious, I judge that their intelligence is not capable of giving my own a run for its money.

Anonymous said...

To PL;

if an individual consistently makes long, sententious speeches about things which appear to me to be staggeringly obvious, I judge that their intelligence is not capable of giving my own a run for its money.

I was trying to understand how your choice of men relates to your views of intelligence and thinking. I would imagine those of "enormously high intelligence" to rather quickly launch into "long, sententious speeches" and so I'm puzzled as to why you would entertain a longer involved relationship, in spite of their intelligence not being challenging enough?

I'm not arguing, I'm asking.

Anonymous said...

speaking of the box.... I find nothing wrong with the box...or thinking inside of the box for that matter. I no longer have any idea of what the "truth" is, but it seems that there is as much inside the box as outside the box to work with, and the problem may be that we approach the inside of the box with an attitude that blinds us to what is there other than the superficial. The same problems that exist "inside the box" probably exist outside the box as well and we carry our attitudes everywhere.
Benjamin Franklin is quoted as saying (250 years plus ago) "Most people die at the age of 25 and wait 40 years to get buried."

Pretty Lady said...

Thanks, Danny, that's very perceptive. It's the attitude that focuses on the superficial that drives me crazy, inside or outside whatever boxes there might be.

Starwind, I think you're making some assumptions about what I think "enormously high intelligence" is, which aren't in my paradigm. There are all kinds of intelligence, and I hope I can recognize and appreciate a lot of them.

What I can't stand is when 1) a person has obviously no notion at all of what it means to think for oneself, and is like a zombie on autopilot, spouting the superficialities that were fed to him by family, school and consumer culture; and 2) when a person has started to think for himself, but is painstakingly enumerating things that I thought of, weighed, assessed, and either integrated or discarded for myself by the time I was 18.

I need someone who genuinely challenges my mind, as I know my mind to be, because I am pretty darn bright and pretty darn rigorous with myself.

Anonymous said...

To PL;

I think you're making some assumptions about what I think "enormously high intelligence" is, which aren't in my paradigm. There are all kinds of intelligence, and I hope I can recognize and appreciate a lot of them.

I do have my own views, but I was asking you for yours rather than impose mine on your motivations.

I wouldn't quarrel with what you can't stand, and I've no doubt your perceptions are fairly accurate. But I remain perplexed as to how you find yourself in relationships with same?

I am pretty darn bright and pretty darn rigorous with myself.

And you comport yourself well, up to the point it seems when (as stated in your own lament) you get involved with men who, in hindsight, exuded a "high intelligence and thinking outside the box" that seemingly obscurred their pettiness.

So, I'm asking for and trying to understand your views on how that happens? How does a perceptive, intelligent, attractive woman set that aside and find herself subsequently involved with petty men who are intellectually not challenging enough and sententious?

What happens between those initial impressions of 'highly intelligent' and the ultimate realization of 'sententious pettiness'?

Do you really believe in hindsight they were/are in fact 'highly intelligent' and if so, presumably you have some other metric than "long, sententious speeches"?

Anonymous said...

Southside Rabbitslayer;

Hormones made them petty and sententious?

Anonymous said...

Hormones is the answer to you first question.

Ah, so hormones made them intelligent; more plausible if ever so slightly.

Anonymous said...

And were it to happen monthly with a diversity of men, you might have a point.

But I gather PL is quite willful and not nearly as given to hormonal episodes as her suitors might otherwise prefer.

Master Doh-San said...

Outside the box? Outside what box? There is no box!

Unless, of course, you construct one for yourself.

Master Doh-San said...

Far too many people can't see even with their eyes.

Anonymous said...

Master Doh-San said...
Outside the box? Outside what box? There is no box!

Unless, of course, you construct one for yourself.

10:59 AM
Ahhh......therein lies the dastardly admission. At some point, I decided to create a box for myself when the one mandated to me was unbearable. I have replaced at lest one or two of the walls of the original box with ones of my own creation. More hard work to do to grow and be able to replace the rest....only to yet still find myself in the box of my own choosing with no complaint of it.

Master Doh-San said...

"only to yet still find myself in the box of my own choosing with no complaint of it."

So long as it's of your own choosing. :-)

Anonymous said...

Master Doh-San said...
"only to yet still find myself in the box of my own choosing with no complaint of it."

So long as it's of your own choosing. :-)

Up to this point in my life, that seems to be where the arrows I see point. I can't afford to see myself as a victim....so.....I am the box. And to the extent to which one is independent (never really and never completely), I carry all my limitations and will to slowly reach beyond them.
Whoops...the box just got esoteric. Sorry.
OOOOOOHM......funny....but isn't ohm a measurement of resistance?
Pure coincidence, I'm sure.

Pretty Lady said...

How does a perceptive, intelligent, attractive woman set that aside and find herself subsequently involved with petty men who are intellectually not challenging enough and sententious?

My dear Starwind, you have utterly misread me. Sententious, unintelligent individuals do not get halfway to first base with Pretty Lady. She listens to them politely, smiles, nods her head and drifts away. Were this the era of arranged marriage, Pretty Lady would commit hari-kari if she were obliged to cohabitate with one of these people. Pretty Lady was endeavoring to describe why she has trouble finding men whose pursuit she wishes to entertain at all.

No, Pretty Lady's genuine flaw is co-dependency. She has a deep intuition for those who Need to be Healed, and she surges toward them like a compass and Forgives All. Besides being a genius, she is an Intuitive Empath. When bright, tormented young men Lash Out at her in futile rage, she so strongly senses the hidden personal tragedies behind the behavior that, for the first twenty episodes, she genuinely fails to notice that she is being mistreated. Only six months down the line does she suddenly wake up and think, "hello. This man is not a grown-up. He is a wounded two-year-old. How could I ever have considered mating with this person?"

Fortunately, this is all at an end. Pretty Lady has changed her ways. She is now a hard-ass. You may submit your roses.

Pretty Lady said...

Outside the box? Outside what box? There is no box!

M.D.S., please step back a little farther and lob a little harder. There was someone in the back row who didn't see that one coming.

Pretty Lady said...

And to the extent to which one is independent (never really and never completely), I carry all my limitations and will to slowly reach beyond them.


Danny-oh, you are the most enlightened individual I have encountered today, despite the fact that you are a fool, and I owe you twenty dollars. Ute was beyond fabulous. Nanny-nanny boo-boo.

Master Doh-San said...

Pretty lady was referring to the box that most people find themselves in, there world view.

Master doh-san is referring to the box that causes pain."*

Boxes within boxes? What a sad existence.

(*Not true.)

Anonymous said...

My dear Starwind, you have utterly misread me. ... Fortunately, this is all at an end. Pretty Lady has changed her ways. She is now a hard-ass. ...

Fair enough, kindly accept my sincere apologies, though I dismiss the deterence of a developed derriere :)

Anonymous said...

Such a very sweet way of saying it, and still that it is there. I am a fool.
Now, if you allow me to momentarily play on the light side... all you have said in the above about men, and intelligence, etc and what you have learned..and here you are in the predicament of being in debt to a fool. Tsk. Tsk.
I have enjoyed immensely the bits of conversation and insight from everyone on this blog piece. Thank you.

Pretty Lady said...

Danny-oh, you should know by now that foolishness is a quality unrelated to intelligence, and not necessarily a negative one. But you still should have come. :-)

ZTora said...

Please tell me if this is correct. I am only going by your description of wanting to be challenged.

Do you want a man who is always at odds with you so you feel challenged? Personally I want a woman with a quick wit and can spell better than me. But I don’t want someone who will challenge everything just for the sake of not being boring. I want someone to experience life with not fight with. I seek a woman with similar beliefs but do not wish to have all hobbies in common. I seek shelter from the storm not to be inundated with it. I deal with plenty of interesting people throughout my day and I’m intellectually challenged by various ideas from these people. But these are not the people I wish to become romantically involved with. These are friends and rivals who I am challenged by but they are not the people I want to come home to curl my arms around.

I hope I am miss reading you, otherwise it seems that you are dooming yourself either by miss understanding challenge and/or relationships.

ZTora said...

Fortunately, this is all at an end. Pretty Lady has changed her ways. She is now a hard-ass. You may submit your roses.

Hmm, Pretty Lady a hard ass. Where are those pictures?

By the way I never submit roses. The women I give them to do not have authority over me so it is my gift. Now if you would like a gift, I would ask you give me the proper information so that I may acquiesce to your request.

Pretty Lady said...

Do you want a man who is always at odds with you so you feel challenged?

Very excellent question. The answer is no.

Pretty Lady had a 3-hour conversation with her most excellent of sisters, yesterday evening. Her sister phrased the matter thusly:

When someone is confronted with a subject unfamiliar to them, and, after considering the matter, they respond with a staggeringly obvious comment, they're fired.

When someone is confronted with an unfamiliar subject, and, after considering the matter, they respond with a very good question about something that is NOT obvious, they get to move up to the next level.

Pretty Lady needs someone who asks the right questions. In all other matters, she is in complete agreement with you.

ZTora said...

Not sure if I should feel privileged or not, but I thank the kind lady for the complement.

Now I am more curious, curiosity that should probably lead me to read your archives more, but if you wish a challenge but do not wish to be at odds all the time then what quality are you looking for in a man that would both satisfy your want of challenge but yet be complementary to your world view?


A side question: have you read "Wild at Heart by John Eldredge" or "Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge"? I ask because you seem to be the person that wants adventure in your life and both books speak to it. One from a male perspective and one from a womens.

Pretty Lady said...

what quality are you looking for in a man that would both satisfy your want of challenge but yet be complementary to your world view?

1) Chemistry.

2) Intellectual, emotional, and spiritual engagement.

3) Personal integrity.

4) The ability to work on some creative project in engaged silence for several hours, in a huge, bright, sunny room with avant-garde cello music playing; pause for deep conversation about a random topic, plus a really good salad and some excellent wine; then resume creation, cellos, etc. Repeat ad infinitum.

Pretty Lady said...

have you read "Wild at Heart by John Eldredge" or "Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge"?

No. Will look them up. Although I tend to live the adventure, more than reading about it; I read for escapism, and practical information.

Anonymous said...

"Pretty Lady has one Achilles flaw--she can't STAND being bored. "

Only empty minds are bored. Since I don't find from your posts, a very empty mind, the probability is not that you get bored, but that you don't like what boredom can bring: introspection, memories, other issues that can haunt.

Until you can face what boredom brings to your attention, you too will have issues in relationships.

You probably are dating men, who are much too like you, like the Famous Seinfeld episode where Jerry finds a girl too much like himself and "loves himself", then after a while he can't stand someone too much like himself. You are dating people like yourself, only to find you don't like yourself.

Pretty Lady said...

the probability is not that you get bored, but that you don't like what boredom can bring: introspection, memories, other issues that can haunt.

My dear little sanctimonious twit, if you knew the amount of time Pretty Lady spends introspecting, dissecting memories, and seeking to get to the bottom of things that haunt, you would accuse her of being a useless layabout.

Pretty Lady can be deeply amused while staring for hours at a blank wall. What bores her is people inflicting their ill-considered, non-introspective, obvious commentary onto her delightfully multi-textured mental landsape.

You are dating people like yourself, only to find you don't like yourself.

After deep introspection, Pretty Lady has repeatedly concluded that she adores herself. She adores plenty of other people, too, including those she dates. What she doesn't like, as she keeps harping upon, is petty, sanctimonious twittery.

Anonymous said...

To PL:


what quality are you looking for in a man that would both satisfy your want of challenge but yet be complementary to your world view?

2) Intellectual, emotional, and spiritual engagement.


Hmmmm... what sort of "spiritual" engagement? There is quite a gamut: biblical, Judaic, Islamic, new-age, occultic, stoic, hedonistic, etc.

Might you elaborate? And do you seek the same spiritual engagement in your women friends? Well, your close ones anyway.

4) The ability to work on some creative project in engaged silence for several hours, ....

Did you mean the ability to so work as opportunity permits, or did you mean predominantly working thusly, and further presuming life has been structured to accommodate same indefinitely?

Pretty Lady said...

what sort of "spiritual" engagement?

An allowance that spiritual growth is a primary consideration of life, and a willingness to engage in serious mutual self-examination accordingly, regardless of text or context.

And do you seek the same spiritual engagement in your women friends? Well, your close ones anyway.

Definitely. One of my closest women friends recently removed herself to what might as well be a monastery, sob.

further presuming life has been structured to accommodate same indefinitely?

Well, I've managed this alone, on virtually no budget; any man who is incapable of matching this is no match for me.

Starwind, you really are very sweet.

Anonymous said...

To PrettyLady;

An allowance that spiritual growth is a primary consideration of life, and a willingness to engage in serious mutual self-examination accordingly, regardless of text or context.

I'm still not clear on your meaning (must be mars/venus thing), so let me try a different tack. What does a non-spiritually engaged person believe or behave like?

Well, I've managed this alone, on virtually no budget; any man who is incapable of matching this is no match for me.

My query pertains not to capability but rather choice of creative endeavor. Many are individual private efforts, some however are 'team' efforts.

An artist (or technologist) might naturally have a studio where they create what ever they create, a sculpture, a bit of technology (prototypes), literary/academic/research works, or trade stocks.

An 'entrepreneur' (to borrow a badly abused term that will have to suffice) might be creating (or growing/maturing) a company or a market, and these are decidely team efforts that require much on-site involvement not possible from a remote studio, occasionally yes, and even a scheduled 'telecommute' becomes possible at some point, but certainly not an ongoing studio-only workstyle in which the singular artist may indulge.

Then too are consultants who create 'solutions' (or problems - lol) who must spend a certain amount of time engaged with the client's personnel or facilities. More flexibility is permitted the consultant but still not like that of a studio artist.

The issue is not fiscal budgets, but rather temporal budgets, as demanded by the chosen endeavor.

Starwind, you really are very sweet.

Well thank you! :)

Anonymous said...

prettylady said...
Danny-oh, you should know by now that foolishness is a quality unrelated to intelligence, and not necessarily a negative one. But you still should have come. :-)
Thank you. That is a very nice way of portraying it.
And yes....I should have come.

ZTora said...

Pretty Lady said:
No. Will look them up. Although I tend to live the adventure, more than reading about it; I read for escapism, and practical information.


It is not an adventure but more about information, philosophy, and psychology.


1) Chemistry.


Hmm I think I need a biochemist. This has just brought an interesting idea that I could sale to all the matchmaker sites. People could bottle their pheromones and send them off to other potential matches and see if they like how they smell.

Or do you speak of Chemistry in the non-science sence? IE, how well you feel around one another?


2) Intellectual, emotional, and spiritual engagement.


Admirable. I would recommend that you both share similar spiritual ideas. Though I’m not sure what you mean by emotional? Do you mean someone who cries when the leaves fall? Or just someone who will share their emotional thoughts with you?


3) Personal integrity.


Wow you are aiming high. That’s good.


4) The ability to work on some creative project in engaged silence for several hours, in a huge, bright, sunny room with avant-garde cello music playing; pause for deep conversation about a random topic, plus a really good salad and some excellent wine; then resume creation, cellos, etc. Repeat ad infinitum.


Sounds like a plan. You might give him some leeway on the cello music. Nothing wrong with cello music but depending on the creative project he may need something different to set the tempo. Personally I like various operas and some techno. Throw in some Latin music and some obscure (to the west) artist from Japan. I think I have BT & The Roots playing “Tao of the Machine” at some point in every play list I have. Then again your dream man might not have my eclectic taste in music. Just don’t make the cello music a deal breaker.

Pretty Lady said...

What does a non-spiritually engaged person believe or behave like?

"That Christianity/Course in Miracles/Zen Buddhist thing must be some sort of cult. You're scaring me. How can you believe crap like that?"

"I sure hope God exists, but I don't want to talk about it."

"You are going to hell for thinking that."

My query pertains not to capability but rather choice of creative endeavor.

Doesn't matter a bit, really. I don't need someone to work with me on things; I've got enough going on already. I'm just happiest working in parallel harmony with someone, and occasionally comparing notes on overarching issues.

Pretty Lady said...

Gosh, Rabbitslayer, you beat me to most of it.

As far as cellos go, my musical tastes are infinitely eclectic as well. The cellos are just part of the snapshot in my template. Kind of a signifier.

ZTora said...

Rabbit Slayer - Context - words are weird that way. That's why the dictionary can send you in circles. I think pretty lady is really after a man who has high "Context Intelligence"

Sorry about that. My mind went off on a tangent. It seems every time I see a we page anymore I get a banner add about some matchmaker site (I tend to go to many computer and gamer sites.) So the idea of chemistry and bottling pheromones was kind of funny to me at the time and I wondered if it was actually doable. If it was then I might be able to make some money off the idea.

You are correct that context is important. However “Context Intelligence” doesn’t exactly explain “Chemistry”. I have not read enough about Pretty Lady to understand what she means by it (Thus not context) and so I jesting and asking at the same time. One of these days I will set aside the time to go read through her archives so that I might have a better understanding.

So I hope you forgive my ignorance?


Rabbit Slayer - Ummmm. That would be things like "I love you", hugs, kisses and stuff like that.

Ok, some someone expressive of their emotions. Who doesn’t bottle up their feelings but is not a pansy.

Rabbit Slayer - That would be being a pussy and as the Beautiful Woman has already stated she's a hard ass now. A pussy would crumble beneath her feet. Though the ability to recognize beauty in nature and be affected by it on a spiritual level probably interests her and most other women for that matter.

I thank the Slayer of Rabbits and the Pretty Lady for their helpful enlightenment.

Oh and speaking of cello’s do you have any preferences to cellists? I’m looking to increase my collection of music and would be thankful for any help in making informed selections.