Saturday, July 22, 2006

Solving the World's Problems

Despite rumors to the contrary, Pretty Lady will not be voting for Paula Abdul for President.

RYAN SEACREST: Welcome, everyone. I’m your host, Ryan Seacrest. Thanks to the overwhelming success of “American Idol,” our panel of judges has been asked, by the international community, to rule on issues affecting us all. So let’s get started: What’s the deal with Iraq?

PAULA ABDUL: You know, I love the Shiites and the Sunnis and all of the other sects. I just think they are all so special and I just wish they could all get together and realize how special they are.

RANDY JACKSON: But, man, that Saddam Hussein dude—I was not down with that. He would not be my choice for Iraqi Idol. For a bloodthirsty tyrant, he was just average, just so-so.

PAULA: Randy! Saddam has his fans—I just think he needs to find the material that’s right for him. We always say that: it’s all about song choices. Saddam isn’t Whitney.

SIMON COWELL: Paula, a question: Were you raised by pumpkins?

PAULA: Simon! You are so mean!

RYAN: O.K., people. What about gay marriage?

PAULA: I love gay marriage! I think everybody should marry a gay person!

RANDY: Yo, dawgs, I like gay marriage, it’s cool. I mean, O.K., it’s kinda Broadway, but it’s like gay people can make marriage their own. Maybe funk it up. Or rock it out.

PAULA: Wouldn’t it be neat if gay people could get married and then adopt other gay people? And make families?

SIMON: I really don’t care if gay people can marry. I just want to rip out Paula’s hair extensions with a pair of pliers.


Anonymous said...

Ah, thank you. The image of Simon Cowell bashing Paula Abdul around like a maraca will comfort me all damn day ;)
I have *such* a crush on that bastard. . . .

Anonymous said...

Obviously, we have reached the dog days of summer.

Pretty Lady said...

Starbuck,'s a joke...

Mitzibel, Simon Cowell is the very definition of 'cad.' Or at least "intellectually destructive prick." You do not want Simon Cowell in your life. You are a gifted woman, and Simon Cowell is toxic to gifts of all kinds. He is acerbic and non-constructive; he sacrifices art to short-order wit. You can, and have, done far better for yourself.

But as long as the crush remains in the realm of distant fantasy, I suppose I will permit it. ;-)

Danny, obviously.

Anonymous said...

oh, sorry. I'll shutup

The Aardvark said...

I just think they are all so special and I just wish they could all get together and realize how special they are.

In my neck of the woods, special means
"rider on the short schoolbus"

Thanks for sharing the New Yorker piece!

Anonymous said...

That was mostly a joke, PL, but I really *do* enjoy watching him make silly little sorostitutes cry ;)