Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Seduced and Abandoned

Pretty Lady is devastated to report that there is a Dangerous Libertine lurking around Manhattan. Innocent, or not-so-innocent, ladies all, beware.

This fearsome cad goes only by the name of M. He is a smallish man, mesomorphic, with dark hair and a charming smile. He pretends to be interested in subletting your apartment; he will appear clean-cut, wholesome, solvent and single.

Believe nothing of what you see. This man's only designs are to purloin your honor--what is left of it.

His modus aparandi is the Direct and Bold. He will sum you up with an admiring stare. He will run obligingly to fetch a six-pack of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, and confidentially remove his shoes while swigging it upon your couch. He will press all the correct buttons, psychologically speaking. Words like 'commitment,' 'community,' 'law degree,' and 'spirituality' will fall trippingly from his tongue. He will take advantage of any pause in conversation to press your palm confidingly.

Once this shameless operator has observed, with cynical eye, the fact that you have drained your second bottle of Sierra Nevada, and are regarding him with sanguine complacency, his assault on your virtue moves into high gear. He feigns a neck injury, and pleads for your assistance. Once you have demonstrated the power of your healing hands, he chivalrously offers to return the favor.

Run, my darlings, run for the hills. Throw this man out of your apartment, and his six-pack with him. Do not let him approach your neck. Anything but that.

Because, my friends, this man is nothing but a humbug. It is only after he has charmed, snuggled, swarmed and sweet-talked his way into the place you were determined he should not go, after your last vestige of resistance has been overcome, after you have recklessly thrown caution to the winds and succumbed to his overweening advances--only then, at 6 AM, will he casually mention the Prior Attachment.

Someone he hasn't seen in years, true, but he has his hopes. And you, with your manifold charms, can only be a second-fiddle snot-rag in comparison to that.

I repeat: approach this wolf in Zen clothing with extreme prejudice. Do not offer to invest money in his visionary schemes; he is the sort of man who will make off with your nest egg, and suddenly remember a Prior Debt that must be fulfilled. Do not be fooled by his wide-eyed musings about the mythic Girlfriend that he wishes he were cooking with. Be blind to his apparent appreciation for thunderstorms in the wilds of Coney Island. Turn a deaf ear to his acute assessment of your wit, your Grecian form, your strength of character and glorious hair.

Pretty Lady only hopes that her eternal shame will serve as a beacon to ward other susceptible ladies from the jagged shoals of this man's perfidious charm.

52 comments:

Morgan said...

The cad. Throw him out. Keep the beer.
I don't worry too much. I have yet to have a suave trickster show up to rent our newly renovated Tiny House. But if one did, my cats would immediately discern his character and hurl hairballs on his shoes. Cats are good bullshit detectors.
As for you, don't be ashamed. He was lucky to be in his presence, and may he forever be tormented by What Could Have Been.

prettylady said...

Throw him out. Keep the beer.

Accomplished, on both counts. Great minds think alike. I am proud to say that the first words out of my mouth, after "WHAT 'prior commitment'?!" were "Get out." Shock, suprise, and lawyerish bluster were of no avail.

As for you, don't be ashamed. He was lucky to be in [MY] presence, and may he forever be tormented by What Could Have Been.

Thank you, dear. He WAS luckier than he may ever realize, but I doubt that such torment is likely. With these sorts of cads, 'out of sight, out of mind' is more the norm. But at least it wasn't dragged out.

Mr Nelson said...

Life is so unfair. I would not have gotten near as far as he, because I would completely expose myself (emotionally I mean). You would have me out of their by 10:30 PM. Did I already mention how unfair that is?

The Aardvark said...

Please receive a Friendly and Consoling Hug via the inter-webs. Fear not...I am not in posession of a six-pack, merely concern.

You bless me.

prettylady said...

Life is so unfair. I would not have gotten near as far as he, because I would completely expose myself (emotionally I mean).

I have been meditating on how unfair that is. Terrible that the cads get all the goodies--at least, in the very short run.

Please receive a Friendly and Consoling Hug via the inter-webs.

Thank you, I am in need of such.

Andy said...

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale? Fantastic! What a beer.

andy said...

And you're a Wodehouse fan as well? What taste!

prettylady said...

What taste!

Darling, I am Taste Incarnate. I am the Uber-Jackpot, when it comes to feminine perfection. There are few superpowers with which I have not a passing familiarity.

This, however, means nothing at all to a Nefarious Cad. This is the truth. I shall go drown my sorrows in a coffeepot, now.

Anonymous said...

Better idea. Do not whore about and all such concerns will be moot. If you have not learned by now that men like this, men who wish to screw you after knowing you for all of six hours, are not exactly "good guys", then you are indeed a hopeless cause, all pretensions to intellect and sophistication aside. You will discover the depth of a man's character by keeping your pants on, not by removing them...

Anonymous said...

BTW, the above probably came off as harsh, but I would rather you view it as straight-talking blunt honesty. Your choice, really.

Mr. Nelson said...

Terrible that the cads get all the goodies--at least, in the very short run.

What's terrible is that the vast majority of women reward cadish behavior. So please don't see this as a personal character flaw, or an attack on you personally like the comment above. There's obviously more to it than that. Even a (semi) decent man like me own self learns quickly that getting a knob polishing has little to do with upstanding character. In fact, upstanding character is likely to prevent said knob polishing. And you do realize that when I said "It's not fair," that was meant as a joke? Fair has nothing to do with it. Reality rules and a lovely woman such as yourself will always draw men, cads and otherwise. You do have a choice.

prettylady said...

What's terrible is that the vast majority of women reward cadish behavior. So please don't see this as a personal character flaw

Thank you so much, and you are precisely correct. I have been one of those women who rewards such behavior, and I am making a valiant effort to change. Throwing the fellow out without fanfare, without trying to 'fix' anything, was a step in this process.

Do not whore about and all such concerns will be moot.

This sort of tasteless, judgmental comment was entirely to be expected; what, it took almost eighteen hours for the first one to appear! I am SO PROUD of you people!

Anonymous, I challenge you to go for two solid years without getting laid, then have a Cameron Diaz (or Brad Pitt, depending on your gender of preference) look-alike show up on your doorstep and throw her/himself in your lap. If you keep your pants on, you are allowed to throw stones. If not, shut up.

Mr. Nelson said...

Don't get angry at holier than thou commenters. He's likely wanted you for his own self, and is now in a snit that yet again another one didn't even give him a look. I know that's how I feel.

prettylady said...

Well, Mr. Nelson, at least you have the courage and integrity to attach a name to both your comments and your feelings, and I love you for it. :-)

thimscool said...

My condolences for your fantasy. You'll get over him in a day, but he will never get over himself.

Pretty Lady, I can't believe it is so tough for you. I know some guys with hearts of gold and brains to boot; but if they don't hold out some promise of a five star lifestyle, or severe mental trauma, you'd just ignore them.

Perhaps I do not know you well enough. I'm just going by comments I remember from the last several months. So you can put this in the circular file if you wish. But you need to stop trying to live life like a movie.

Mr. Nelson said...

you need to stop trying to live life like a movie.

I'm very happy with the way this blog works. The style is refreshing and fun. Why would you want her to change? Life is way to short to be looking at electives that you see as negativet... and there's soooo many different blogs to suite every taste.

prettylady said...

But you need to stop trying to live life like a movie.

There is a difference, Luke, between a blog and a life--as Mr. Nelson so kindly points out. The style of the blog does not necessarily have a great deal to do with the style of the life behind it; it's all about phrasing.

And since you have no earthly idea what my real-life style actually is, you have no call to say who I might or might not ignore in person. At the very least, I am always exceptionally courteous.

Perhaps you are falling into the trap of believing that if things are 'tough' for people, they must necessarily have done something wrong. I would watch out for that line of thinking, if I were you. It becomes extremely problematic if your life is suddenly hit with an unexpected catastrophe, and in addition to coping with the problem, you have a whole added load of self-blame to contend with.

Plus, if you apply this line of thinking to those closest to you, it creates a wedge of judgment between you at the very times when trust and unconditional support are needed the most.

thimscool said...

The circular file, then.

But thanks for your advice. It's well worth considering. I certainly don't wish to come off as judgemental, like you're doing something 'wrong'. You just sound unhappy. I'm sorry.

The guy's just a prick. Forget him. Plenty of fish in the sea... Buona Fortuna.

thimscool said...

EN,

Well, I guess I want PL to become the change whe wants in life. But you're right, I like her style the way it is.

mitzibel said...

Anon---what, you think PL acts like a hoor? Where are you living, the freaking 1840's? Listen, I know from whoring, and PL is most definitely *not* a whore, a slut, a skank, or a strumpet. Deciding to blow your rent money on beer because you know you can blow your landlord instead--now *that's* whoring. Unwittingly falling into a single one-night-stand in two years--um, no, sorry to disappoint you, but not a whore.
Many hugs, PL. Sorry you got yer heart scammed on, but I hope you at least got some decent sex out of the deal ;)

prettylady said...

Thank you, Mitzibel, I knew you would understand. The necking was nice. Shoulda stopped there.

Thanks also, Luke. I know you were just trying to help. We're all where we're at.

Morris said...

"Perhaps you are falling into the trap of believing that if things are 'tough' for people, they must necessarily have done something wrong. I would watch out for that line of thinking, if I were you. It becomes extremely problematic if your life is suddenly hit with an unexpected catastrophe, and in addition to coping with the problem, you have a whole added load of self-blame to contend with."

That's the trap I've far too often fallen into myself. I'm all too human to go finger-pointing.
All I thought when I saw your post was that that cold-hearted bastard gets his one day.

The Aardvark said...

And since you have no earthly idea what my real-life style actually is...

Ummm...I have always harbored the suspicion that you are REALLY an out-of-work 280 lb. Jersey steelworker.

Then again, I DO work with a number of volatile and smelly solvents from time-to-time.

;^)

prettylady said...

I have always harbored the suspicion that you are REALLY an out-of-work 280 lb. Jersey steelworker.

But one with access to a great deal of specialized knowledge, you must admit.

The Aardvark said...

Yes indeedy-do.

danonymous said...

Well, PL, back in town, and what a heart-warming situation to read about. It sounds like you were "the other party" of a seduction from evening time to 6AM.
How nice and slow. And then as MItzi Gaynor or Doris Day or some female singer of their time sang (was it in Oklahoma!!!! maybe?) You done washed that man right out of your hair. HOw practical!!
SO would I be mistaken to venture a guess that you actually had the best of both worlds when those two worlds do not collapse together?
As well, we need a certain amount of edginess in our experiences to be able to move in any direction....especially in this heat.

Jordan said...

PL...

I have never commented on this blog before...

I know lots of CADS. Most of them are horribly miserable. They spend all their time trying to find self worth by duping other people. It doesn't work. They eventually get kicked out...you just did it faster then most.

It sounds like the CAD is the shitty person. Certainly not you!

prettylady said...

SO would I be mistaken to venture a guess that you actually had the best of both worlds when those two worlds do not collapse together?

This is, actually, the truth, and sometimes after an intensive yoga class I can even begin to see it that way.

you just did it faster then most.

Yay! You don't know what a compliment that is! I've gotten my kick-out time down from a maximum of three years to a minimum of ten minutes.

Morgan said...

"Listen, I know from whoring, and PL is most definitely *not* a whore, a slut, a skank, or a strumpet."

Agreed.

Anonymous seems to pride himself on playing the moralistic simpleton, which is probably why he keeps his identity hidden. After all, who would willingly own up to such stupidity?

A single woman who enjoys sex is less a whore than the married woman who uses sex as a bargaining chip, whether she's giving it up to get her man to do something she wants or withholding it to punish her husband.

People who have sex for any other reason than to pleasure themselves and their partners - be they male or female - are whores, especially if they think that contact will "buy" them Something More.

Pretty Lady was admittedly disappointed; she judged the man. But when she realized he wasn't honorable she did the ladylike thing and placed him firmly in her Do Not See Again column.

A whore would pursue the cad, hoping to please him into wanting her.

Pretty Lady values herself too much, took what she got - a night of pleasure - and has moved on.

That's not a whore. That's a smart lady.

The Aardvark said...

Anon, et al,
To move this to a more positive example,(and I am not assuming parity 'twixt my illustration and PL. This is allusion, not allegory) when the woman caught "in the very act!" was brought to Jesus, he did not trot out popular Judaean name-calling against the woman. Neither did he ignore her trangression. Rather than shouting "Whore!" at her, and grabbing the closest rock, he acknowledged the sin, and the lawful penalty. He however changed the parameters of the execution: "The one with no sin may throw the first stone."

Everyone left.

Jesus then assured the woman of his forgiveness ("Neither do I condemn you"), and then instructed her ("Go and sin no more.")

If the sinless, righteous Son of God can dispense grace in the midst of that woman's shame, guilt and pain, how 'bout the self-righteous (religious or no) cut a little slack at PL's sitch, which she openly shared here.

We all of us make mistakes, do unwarranted things,do silly things, transgress God's will.

All of us.

Playing the Pharisee only makes you look good to yourself.

Bane said...

Yeah yeah yeah, but didja cum?

danonymous said...

aardvark said...If the sinless, righteous Son of God can dispense grace in the midst of that woman's shame, guilt and pain, how 'bout the self-righteous (religious or no) cut a little slack at PL's sitch, which she openly shared here.

I appreciate the direction you are taking, defending PL. However I am pretty adamant about not cutting the Lady any slack. PL did what she wanted to. Hooray. She may have fooled herself (or not) a little to get what she wasn't willing to ask for directly (boo-hoo...tough to be human...and she is human) but defending PL or needing to cut her slack goes down the road of "you have sinned and I forgive you.
PL had fun. SHe didn't sin. She didn't feel sorry for herself and cutting her slack only undermines the integrity of who she has been in her story.
Congrats PL. You manage more angelity in "sin" than the moralists manage with their morals and directives.

The Aardvark said...

danonymous-
Not so much defending PL...well, OK, I am...
(sorry about third-person, here.) I am also defending any and all who err, commit stupidity, commit sin, or stumble (insert term of choice here_______) from the predations of those who insist on kicking them whilst down.

If you read what I wrote, and compare with whom I addressed it , you may have a Sylvania moment. If you are not in that particular club, well and good. Those who shoot the wounded, whatever their philosophical or "spiritual" bent, deserve whatever they receive.

I will not debate sin-or-not. That is between PL and her Creator. I don't know her beyond her writing. This could be finely-crafted fiction.

If true, it offered PL needed catharsis. If not, it has provided a good chance for discussion.

Perhaps my use of the word "slack" was off-putting. Whatever. The point is for people to grow up, not name-call, and not be jerks.
Hmmm...maybe that is off-putting, too.

prettylady said...

Oh, you guys are so great, all of you.

And Bane, what do you think? Selfish bastards are pretty predictable in more ways than one.

danonymous said...

This is so funny. I just had this image of you two....like these two planets, totally out of orbit .......colliding... boom...then bouncing back into orbit as a result.

prettylady said...

Two who, orbiting what?

danonymous said...

PL....you two meaning PL and the Cad.
Orbiting...uh...around desire.

Aardvark...I apologize. I did not think of what I said as a criticism of your entry, just an extension. I basically am in completish agreement with you.

However, let it be known, that in the same spirit, once in a while, it's really nice to kick someone who's down an extra few times.
Whoops....devil made me say that.

danonymous said...

Aardvark...on a more responsible note....you hit the nail on the head. The word "slack" immediately set alarm belss off for me. The word and its connotations , for me, indicate adirection that says, "yes you were wrong, but that's ok." which carries too much patronage. I don't think you intended to use it that way...but there you have it. I guess ever since word changes became part of our consciousness...60's , 70's i.e. chairperson, instead of chairman, etc., my antennas go wild when hearing parts of the English language. TThanks for pinning that word down.

indyguy77 said...

And you didn't even get to cum?! I'm no Casanova, but even I look at it as a point of pride to finish with her spent, sweaty and satisfied. What a loser.

But then again, he got sex and I get my right hand. Man, the world sucks more than a little bit.

indyguy77 said...

BTW, Pretty Lady: I didn't realize that it was my other identity was posting here. This is Michael Maier from Vox's blog. Surprised?

prettylady said...

Surprised?

No, Michael, sweetheart, not particularly. ;-)

prettylady said...

And your tomato plants are charming.

indyguy77 said...

I suppose I have noticed you think wild things are charming. :P

Many thanks.

Starbuck said...

PL, Seems to me that a lot of the time you have wisdom. But sometimes fail to use it once in a while. I do that, however... It seems that when you do have a lapse in wisdom, it tends to be a whopper of a mistake. Hence the pain and oops factor. Hmmm,... I have decided, you're human. Imagine that. I hope you find a man that will truely care for you , without be short changed in the mental functions.

prettylady said...

Starbuck, again you have pegged me, so to speak. "Lapse in wisdom, a whopper of a mistake." My character in a nutshell.

However, this time, I am not so sure this was a mistake. You see, the 'mistake' allowed me to divine the man's character in the shortest possible amount of time. Had I coyly ushered him out the door at 11 PM, I would have wanted, and expected, to see him again. Quite possibly I would have seen him again. And again, and again-- and wasted a good deal of time and emotional energy on the twerp.

Instead I entered the 'rinse cycle' only twelve hours after the first blush rose to my cheek, which is definitely a record for me.

indyguy77 said...

Do I dare ask exactly what "rinse cycle" means?

phern said...

Young'un...

"I'm gonna rinse that man right out of my hair!"

indyguy77 said...

Oh. I thought it was something dirty.

Anonymous said...

"And then as MItzi Gaynor or Doris Day or some female singer of their time sang (was it in Oklahoma!!!! maybe?) You done washed that man right out of your hair."

Please. It was "South Pacific", the singer was Mary Martin (Broadway cast) or Mitzi Gaynor (movie).

Billy D said...

PL - Sorry, if I'd known that was you I'd have worn my suit. Can I have my beer back?

Kidding - sorry you got burned Lady. You seem much too nice for that to happen to you.

Luke in Tx said...

Pretty Lady, my condolences, and hopes that you are wiser, if sadder, for the experience. Remember that saying about the definition of insanity :). Is the "Royal We" ready to swear off such rakes for good, find a Christian knight and settle down? ;)

As for the anonymous critic above, I don't think he comprehends just how often the average single woman, to say nothing of a charming beauty like yourself, is presented with the opportunity for a roll in the hay. Many men confuse a simple lack of opportunity with willpower or virtue.

prettylady said...

Luke, I was just saying that I believe this one was my Co-Dependency Final Exam, and I give myself an A-plus. I am not even tempted to go down that road again.

As for knights, all a princess can really do is sit in the tower and wait, perhaps raising a pair of binoculars to the horizon now and again, and embroidering napkins.