Thursday, July 06, 2006

How to Give a Good Christian Blowjob

In the proper circumstances, Pretty Lady is All For bl0wjobs. They assist in natural family planning, they tighten the skin over one's cheekbones, they keep one's husband in a state of rosy contentment. Any good Christian wife who cavils at performing them is taking grave risks with her familial stability. Thus, Pretty Lady has decided to provide some simple bl0wjob guidelines, in the interests purely of ensuring that Good Christian Families stay contentedly together.

Now, ladies, it is paramount to treat your husband's penis with affection, tenderness and respect. Shrinking, shuddering, and refusing to touch it manually for more than a second or two are unseemly behaviors, and are likely to produce despondency in your husband. If you are having trouble overcoming residual pre-marital taboos against stroking, petting, grabbing, massaging or kissing your husband's member, try thinking of it as a small, cuddly animal, like a gerbil or a Guinea pig. One wishes to develop a relationship of casual familiarity with this loveable creature. One ideally should get into the habit of giving it a friendly little pat at every socially appropriate opportunity, just so that it doesn't feel neglected.

When one is preparing to give one's husband the sort of bl0wjob which will reduce him to a gibbering puddle of grateful pheromones, it is best to proceed in stages. Ideally, one should arrange one's timing so that there is nothing boiling over on the stove, the children are in school, and your husband has no crucial business meetings scheduled for the next hour or two. "Quickies" can be useful and enjoyable, but within a long-term relationship one has the opportunity, and indeed the onus, to develop a more extended artistic repertoire.

Thus, begin slowly, even flirtatiously. Give your husband an affectionate hug. Nibble on the place just behind his earlobe. Snuggle your pelvis against his groin, as a sort of hint. Thoughtfully, almost absently, begin to rummage around his fly, with innocent curiosity. If you husband is the man I think he is, you will shortly find yourself reclining upon the nearest horizontal surface. Get those pesky boxer shorts out of the way. Then get down to business.

It is important to understand that the penis has many moods, many phases. In the early stages of erection, the penis is a fragile creature, a sensitive little fiddlehead. One must not play too rough. One caresses it, gently but firmly, until it begins to quiver. As it blossoms into its fuller potential, one's strokes and fondling may become correspondingly more assertive. It is at this point, when a certain stalwart attention has been achieved, that the lips and tongue come into play.

Start by giving the lovely, smooth head of your husband's penis a swirly, affectionate little kiss, including tongue friction, perhaps accompanied by some light, preparatory sucking. Run your tongue around its ridge a few times, exerting a gentle but insistent pressure, lingering in the interesting places with jazzy insouciance, as though the penis were a keyboard and your tongue were John Coltrane. Lick ripplingly up and down the shaft. Continue stroking and caressing with the tips of your fingers, then with your whole hand, paying equal attention to those cute little testicles. This is, of course, a highly intuitive process; you will find yourself almost instinctively meeting pressure for pressure, as your husband's mental focus becomes increasingly concentrated upon the territory which you are so eagerly exploring.

Now it is time to get serious. Take as much of the penis into your mouth as can be comfortably allowed, using your tongue both as a buffer and an active source of creative friction. Where the physical dimensions of your mouth fall short, pick up the slack with your hand. It is PARAMOUNT to avoid dental contact at all times, unless your husband is a masochistic freak. To ensure this, create a tense suction by pulling your lips over your teeth, curling your tongue around and forward, and moving your whole head up and down like a piston, so that the primary source of pen1le stimulation is issuing from your lips, tongue and hand, not your teeth, inner cheeks or throat. Particularly not your throat. That is a fantasy and a myth.

Find your way into a comfortable position, so that you may continue doing this for awhile. Feel free to kneel against the side of the bed or couch, or prop your husband against a wall. You may even strap him symmetrically to the bed, if he is into that sort of thing. Be generous with lubrication. If your cheeks get tired, take a brief rest, continuing manual stroking. Have fun with it. A good bl0wjob is like a sonata; it has movements. Alegro, largo, alegretto.

At a certain point, a crossroads is reached. When your husband begins panting and gasping incoherently, and his penis swells to twice its previous size, you have arrived there. Stay the course. Continue stroking and sucking in a consistent rhythm, if possible even increasing your pressure. Upon the inevitable explosion, remain calm. Take stock of the situation; continue cradling your husband's quavering penis in your mouth, while keeping your tongue flexed and ready to respond. When you feel the time is right, swallow. Then you may purr and continue gently cradling the nice little penis, as it subsides into sleep once again.

Pretty Lady is certain that these instructions are merely basic and preliminary; her worldly experience is not infinite. Please feel free to chime in with additions, suggestions and caveats.

With apologies to Cynthia Heimel.

Related Posts: The Equal Opportunity Orgasm

57 comments:

danonymous said...

Pretty Lady, I have to admit, that I am somewhat offended by this article of information. What, IN THE NAME OF GOD, had you limit this to Christianity and leave out the Jews and MUslims. I cannot say anything about Hindus, Bhuddists, etc., because my knowledge falls too far short in those religions.
And furthermore.....I think you have a very unfortunate bias in this arena wherein men are probably just as woefully in need of instruction as to how to play the violins of their respective spouses.
I mean, cunnilungus is not closely related to jacking up the rear of the car with hard and consistent up and down motions until the proper height is achieved and the wheel falls off on its own.
ANd for both sexes in all three religions, pre-sex cleanliness ( a fast soappy shower) enhances all partners' interests.

prettylady said...

Oh, Danny, never fear, the article on How To Orally Please Your Wife Beyond Her Wildest Transports is up and coming.

And I thoroughly agree with you on the religious context of this enterprise. I am afraid that this article, too, has a context. An individual dared to impugn Pretty Lady's respectability as a good Christian woman because she tangentially mentioned blowjobs; of course, this was akin to dropping the gauntlet.

danonymous said...

Well Pretty Lady, I embarrassingly admit that you did a marvelous job of returning the gauntlet in a rather sparkling way.
HOw could you not, being Pretty Lady, do otherwise?
As to respectability and its myriad components....wrong is only useful as a point in time and space that allows one to define right.
Of course, one must always remember (your reader)that that is a totally artifial concept and when one actually believes that there is a difference outside of time/space location, well...one develops religion.

thimscool said...

I'm speechless. That's quite a post.

I can't wait to see what happens to your google ads now!

Starbuck said...

Ummm, PL. What are you doing with the rest of your life? Wanna get married? j/k

prettylady said...

I can't wait to see what happens to your google ads now!

It's quite the risk, I agree. But perhaps people will start clicking on them, and I will be able to make up some of the income I've lost by switching to high-speed cable, and losing phone service for an entire week. :-)

Wanna get married?

Sweetheart, I am so very touched. However I fear we should not suit. You are welcome to pass my column along to your next lover, however.

Bane said...

This post sucks.

prettylady said...

All right, Bane, feel free to spit!

Morgan said...

Danonymous, It's a sad fact that many a Christian woman is afraid to get in touch with her Inner Slut, which is a shame because no matter I can't think of one good Christian husband who wants a Sunday school teacher in the bedroom. What he really wants is a hot little demon. But for whatever reason some women can't get past the feelings of guilt and shame they experience at even the thought of putting a lipstick ring on their man's cock.

"What would Jesus do? Not that!" they say.

Well, Jesus wouldn't. But a good wife can. And should.

A way to a man's heart isn't through his stomach. It's a bit lower. Cook him something afterwards.

And Pretty Lady, you need to put this directly in your "Best Of" category.

prettylady said...

Why, thank you, Morgan! Coming from you, this is quite an honor. I was almost abashed to think of your reading my klunky prose.

Starbuck said...

You fear we would not suit? Huh? You don't know that. I might be what you have been looking for all your life.


Probably not. I am too much into fixing things and making them work for you to like a wog like myself.


Now, I will go wallow in self pity and drink myself more stupid.

Oh, wait... nevermind. Ha! I almost forgot. I don't drink.

Oh well. I will fix some hot dogs on the grill and forget I exist instead.....


(all done tongue in cheek of course...)



Honestly, Only one woman I knew that was even remotely willing to do something like that. And it was only once. But they do like the reverse side of that equation.

'inner slut?'

Why does sex in a marriage have to be dirty? Even Morgan believes it is 'slutty' to do that in a marriage. Even if she likes it. She still thinks it is slutty.

prettylady said...

Honestly, Only one woman I knew that was even remotely willing to do something like that.

Now, this I find truly, deeply shocking and horrifying. I believed that Morgan was exaggerating; I am devastated to discover that she is correct. This WILL go into my 'Best Of' category, hang my Reputation.

Why does sex in a marriage have to be dirty?

I do not understand you at all. I consider blowjobs to be Good Clean Fun. Particularly if everybody showers first. Heck, go ahead, DO it in the shower.

Mr. Nelson said...

That was beautiful M'lady. On the other hand, I've been doing without and this is somewhat inappropriate as it might lead me to stray back to a stray.

Starbuck said...

Why does sex in a marriage have to be dirty?

I do not understand you at all. I consider blowjobs to be Good Clean Fun. Particularly if everybody showers first. Heck, go ahead, DO it in the shower.

I was refering to what morgan said about finding their innerslut.

Why does it seem that if a woman is wanting sex she is a slut. When a man wants sex he is a stud. Double standards...


I do like your idea of showers..

prettylady said...

I've been doing without and this is somewhat inappropriate as it might lead me to stray

Well, if it comes to that, so have I. Perhaps this is why I'm waxing poetic.

I was refering to what morgan said about finding their innerslut.

Dear, you know about Morgan and hyperbole. One merely dons the Slut Persona on appropriate occasions. This has nothing to do with morality.

EN said...

Perhaps this goes back to my non-progressive self, but I have a very hard time treating any woman like a slut. It's just not in me and goes double if I'm sleeping with her. she can act the part, but if she's sleeping with me she's obviously much to good for that.

heidi said...

PL, well said/written.

I find it ridiculous when I hear women who are unwilling to enjoy their husbands in every possible way.

I also find it "empowering" to know that I have learned my husbands preferences to the point that I can reduce him to putty in my, um, hands in minutes.

JohnR said...

Starbuck: Morgan was referring to enthusiasm in the bed (car, on top of the washing machine) when she used the term "Inner Slut", what do you suggest.

PL: At the risk of sounding gauche, your post gave me an erection.

JohnR

Morgan said...

Who said sluts were dirty, Starbuck?

Slut is to sex as Chef is to cooking. If you love cooking, dinner always is more satisfying.

Dirty is subjective. An uptight person may very likely consider oral sex "dirty." But it's like my mama said, "Sex is only 'dirty' if it's done right."

To EN
If you can't bring yourself to treat the little lady like a slut, you're depriving her of the finer things. Sometimes I want to make love. Sometimes I want to be pounded like a ten-penny nail. A wise man knows that variety is the spice of sexual life.

And PL, your shower comment gave me the best giggle I've had in days.

starbuck said...

Society says sluts are dirty.

starbuck said...

I think people are going over the deep end.

prettylady said...

I find it ridiculous when I hear women who are unwilling to enjoy their husbands in every possible way.

Well, there you go. One wonders what husbands are FOR, then?

I have a very hard time treating any woman like a slut.

On the contrary, this is most excellently progressive, EN, as long as it does not extend to failing to figure out what floats her boat, and giving it to her. The man who thinks that Nice Women Don't Like Orgasms does not deserve one.

At the risk of sounding gauche, your post gave me an erection.

Then I will sleep soundly tonight, with the knowledge of a day's work well done. ;-)

I think people are going over the deep end.

Now, don't go getting hyperbolic on me, dear. Remember you have just suffered an emotional blow. Be gentle with yourself.

danonymous said...

EN said...
Perhaps this goes back to my non-progressive self, but I have a very hard time treating any woman like a slut.

I do admit to En and to MOrgan that I have a little trouble (Puritanically speaking...)with the word slut.
I have to say I would be very hard pressed (no pun consciously intended) to treat a woman like a slut....
BUt I would have no trouble treating her like a .....a...
ahh...uh...oh yeah....boy did you stir some things up PL....like a lollipop..like the sauce on a delectible chicken wing...like a hot towel on my face before a barber shave.....like a burst of sunshowers on a slightly cloudy/sunny day.....like a Chinese Bean cake pastry....I better stop before I put on weight.

Desert Cat said...

Well I, for one, was moved by said emotional blow.

thimscool said...

ROFL, Danonymous.

danonymous said...

Thimscool...ROFL,

I know I should know what ROFL means..........but I don't. What does that stand for.....and I promise when you tell me to turn red as a tomato which I can do almost on command.
oh yeah....I forgot.....like slowly eating a chilled watermelon on a hot summer day, but in the shade, Like eating out the nutmeat from a walnut....whoops...became a squirrel.

thimscool said...

Uhhhh... if you're serious, then let me first turn you onto a site called Google that can quickly answer such questions: www.google.com

It means rolling on the floor laughing.

Anonymous said...

Do I understand correctly that you are a lady cocksucker?

danonymous said...

Thanks Thimscool...I was serious and I can't believe that it did not occur to me to google it. Sheesh, talk about blinders.
Anonymous....what difference would it make what answer I put forth? If a yes or no answer makes you happier and feel more informed about life than a paragraph of information, well....that's how Bush got elected and managed to steal the country through 6 years of saying very little.
But to meet you half way, I will say that of the two word, offensive
characterization (maybe not intended to be so) of the first word I will say I have never been accused of being a lady.

JohnR said...

By the way, PL, what makes the blow-job Christian?

JohnR

prettylady said...

The fact that the star characters are joined in good Christian wedlock before the onset of proceedings, of course. ;-)

Billiam said...

Pretty Lady, I'm in awe! Yes, put that in best of. I also have to say, you caught me off guard with this post. This is a good thing, as I never imagined you as boring. Keep it up, so to speak.. ;-)

thimscool said...

Currently your Google ad links to "Learn Social Ettiquette".

I think you should propose that this post become the basis for a class on felatio.

howtogiveablowjob said...

I'm still trying to figure out why this was a Christian blow job...but heck, it's good advice all the same!

I talk about how to give Christian, Buddhist, or even Pagan blow jobs on my site at Blowjob Tutorial

Anonymous said...

Can you give us tips on Christian anal?

Scott said...

"Particularly not your throat. That is a fantasy and a myth. "

ummm.....as a man who has given and received many blowjobs over the years, it's a myth that it's a myth - just takes practice and control.

Anonymous said...

This text has many turns of phrase that sound quite similar to those used in Cynthia Heimel's Sex Tips For Girls in her description of the same activity. It might be interesting to compare the two.

Anonymous said...

The reluctance of Good Christian Women to go down -- under any circumstances -- is no doubt one of the many reasons men are looking at the Pagan religions seriously these days. Good Pagan Girls know that decent fellatio is a sacrament, not a sin. I dated a Christian woman once. Once. When I discovered her "no premarital sex" rule included oral, well, I left her to the Church. Wiccan grrls RULE!

lolita said...

I have to say that sex is vital to any family, be it Christian or not. Some women are indeed shy, yet curious about how to please their husbands with fellatio. These women may also be too embarresed to consult a girlfriend regarding this matter. I think this post is a great instuructional post.

al-rawandi said...

I see the picture. Looks like you are tightening your cheek muscles right there. What do you need me for?

S. Baldrick said...

Just like pornography and anti-life sex education - impersonal and emotionally nihilistic.

Pretty Lady said...

S. Baldrick. May I respectfully inform you that there is such a thing in human interactions, online or in person, as tone. Tone may be serious or playful, sincere or humorous, deadpan or ironic. The tone of this post is quite definitely in the second category of all these dichotomies; it is called verbal irony. The 'impersonality' and 'emotional nihilism' you perceive in this post were undertaken deliberately, in order to provide a level of social commentary which is lacking in the vast majority of erotic writing. Additionally, it's funny.

This message brought to you by the Society to Educate Social Autistics.

SeaPhoenix said...

Cut. Paste. Print.

"Hey Honey, I found something on the internet I'd like you to read..."

devilish grin....

Pretty Lady said...

Seaphoenix, you had better not forget this one.

Anonymous said...

See! If more women ministered like that we would all be saved.

Balhatain said...

What is a pen 1s? :)

Anonymous said...

all good christian women should swallow

Anonymous said...

lol wut? WTF

Anonymous said...

John Coltrane played the sax..

Jack said...

You have to read Jack's Blowjob Lessons if you want to learn How to Give a Great Blow Job.

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Nihilism Expert said...

I thought John Coltrane played the saxophone, not the keyboard. Otherwise, awesome article!

Anonymous said...

this post made us laugh! thanks for keeping us girls entertained on our girls night in x

Anonymous said...

I have to say, deepthroating being a myth? And lips over the teeth? If oral sex is performed with skill you CAN use throat, lips and inner cheeks as part of the pleasuring without causing pain to your partner.

Rather than giving step-by-step instructions, I think women should realise that every man is different and that what one find pleasurable or arousing may be completely different to what another does. Instead of gossiping to each other or searching the net for instructions, why not ask your husband what he likes?

Anonymous said...

Love this post kudos 2 u

Anonymous said...

I cannot say that I am sheltered but I am definitely one of the most conservative and traditional 42-year-olds out there from what I can tell. I have never enjoyed this at all yet I have met someone that intrigues me enough to want to know how to keep him content during those more self conscious times. Yesterday was the first time and I felt like the most awkward dork! He appreciates me enough that we both smiled and we talked and we will talk some more... Your writing has helped me with quite a few things that I was actually stressed about during! (Self conscious remember!) I worried about the whole teeth thing because that is obvious but I am not willing to get removable dentures... But knowing taking breaks and using your hand is okay is helpful (It was a lot harder than I thought - my cheeks hurt!) Talking about guinea pigs made the topic more relaxing... lol Thinking the whole throat thing was important was terrible! I am definitely going to think about how to use the length of my tongue, my lips, and my hands more. I found the whole experience exhausting which was...well, no fun for me. There was one point that I became very excited but very shortly after I became tired and I felt so bad because it seemed so unfair to him. So...(remind me...why do they not have to have some sort of menstrual cycle? Do they have ANYTHING like that? lol) I do need to know how to use my hand and my tongue to my advantage at least until I become more advanced. I do not know if he is stretching out the experience or if he is trying to make me feel better but (I LOVE SEX SO I AM NOT TRYING TO GET OUT OF IT) but when my body is under the weather and my self consciousness takes over I would just rather make him feel the "Oooh" and make him feel happy...and then be done but it is just because I do not feel sexy.

Speaking of not feeling sexy... Sorry but I figure if I am going to post this in public I am going to try to get it all out in one try... I imagine that saliva is important but at one point I felt like I had The Nile flowing. From both points of view...Nile or Sahara... How do you handle that gracefully?

I know it is music but I do not know music... What is "Alegro, largo, allegretto"?

There is only one more thing that I can think of that was not mentioned in your article and I do not mind if you had to cut this part out of the post but I sure would appreciate your help if you would at least help in private. The most embarrassing part. I know I was not going to mention it and he did not either... I gagged at least twice...those were not small gags. I think there were a kabillion others I managed to at least half hide. Helpful tips? Ewww... Maybe I could really love it for him if that did not exist.

Maybe as much as me you hope that is all! ;) Thank you so much for you time. I feel like if nothing else, at least for once, I vented and shared. I do hope for some feedback. Thank you.