Friday, September 29, 2006

Act Now, Before It's Too Late

Pretty Lady has a suitor!

Dear Pretty Lady:
You sound like a classy lady to me. The piano music of Erik Satie...I hope you play as well! I worked for thirty years for a fun music publisher...then they moved to New York State and I could not relocate. (personal reasons)
Let us see, my pretty doll, you were born in Nipples, Italy...sorry, I meant Naples, Italy. Your photo on your blog site is really classy. I mean REALLY CLASSY!
I'll bet you have pretty, demure feet with toenails painted red or pink. I'll bet the only time you become NASTY is when you are in bed with CLAUDE or ANDRE and then you become wild!
If you are ever in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania please E-mail me. I could at the very least buy you coffee and offer to suck your demure toes!
Naaah, you would never be caught dead in the Stroudsburg/East Stroudsburg area. The trashy, vulgar, disgusting, and downright brusque drug dealers have invaded this once pleasant area.
East Stroudsburg University has more homosexuals and lesbians that any other East Coast university. (Isn't that something to be proud of?)
I'm very glad there are people like you left in this world. Intelligence has taken a back seat to that filth called "rap music!"
If I hear one more individual call me "Bro" or "Chief" or the ever popular "Dude"...I'm going to scream! Am I prejudiced? Damn right!
Remember, pretty lady, we have an image to keep up. One that is clean and pristine. I once had a young man ask me what the word "plagiarize" meant. Another young man knew the "PYRAMYDS" were in Egypt but he was almost certain the Amish built them.
The next time you are having a pedicure and you are sitting back, drinking a cappuccino, listening to Mozart or Corelli, think about me...another bubble of sanity in this screwed up world.
Big hugs: John

Pretty Lady is Overwhelmed. That such a classy gentleman should have found her, against all odds, and taken the time out of his classy schedule to have written her such a letter! So earnest, this gentleman. So down-to-earth. So straightforward, intellectual, sane and sober.

What do you think, dear friends? Is this The One? Should she jump on the opportunity, or moulder away in stagnant singlehood a bit longer?

26 comments:

thimscool said...

HaHaHeeHeeHooHoHaHa!

How often do you get such bold propositions?

I think the dude's quite charming, what with the offers of demure toe sucking, and whatnot.

I say go for it. Abandon NYC for the hills of PA, and never look back. It'll all be worth it when you have that classy spawn and folks like Morgan, EN, and I stop harrassing you to breed.

prettylady said...

It's all about Timing, Thims. I do not entertain propositions of toe-sucking from gentlemen who have not obtained a formal introduction, first.

Perhaps it is these unreasonably high standards, indeed, which have caused me to remain regrettably single this long.

danonymous said...

NO...NO....take me Pretty Lady, I limp but not badly, and I can offer faux pink Lion fur floors to match your toes....whether pink or red....wherever you walked would be a temple....carpet would not hold footprints so you would also be like a saint.
Not my house though....but I know the people are gone for a month and I know how to sneak in....
uhhh...best I could do.

Morgan said...

I just hope the kids take after you. God forbid they inherit bigotry. Or a foot fetish.

Morgan said...

And Luke, the only reason I'm harrassing Pretty Lady to breed is because we need more intelligent kids in the world. I'm quite sure that Pretty Toddler would set the best example for lesser waifs, and would perhaps inspire them. And she'd be easy to pick out, too. She'd be the only in preschool trying to engage the teacher in a metaphysical debate.

Scott said...

Wow. I sincerely hope he's not from Pennsylvania. It would give the rest of us a bad name!

EN said...

It's very bad form to talk about toe sucking when he hasn't even gone down on you yet. Doesn't anyone follow the rules? In all of our exchanges this subject has never even come up, and yet this "gentleman" has mentioned it in his first email? We've discussed death, suicde, torture (both good and bad kinds), love and sex, but never have I brought this up. And I thought I was forward. Beware of any man who wants to suck your toes sight unseen. He will use your toes, but nothing else.

prettylady said...

Okay, it's looking like the 'nays' have it...

The Aardvark said...

I dunno...
He said "downright brusque drug dealers"
I mean, what's not to love...?

prettylady said...

Aardvark, don't sell me out! Please! I'm begging you!

Anonymous said...

I say "moulder."


Scully

Morgan said...

"It's very bad form to talk about toe sucking when he hasn't even gone down on you yet. Doesn't anyone follow the rules?"

Don't be so quick to judge, EN. Perhaps he's the type who believes in working his way up.

EN said...

One should never rush to toe sucking. Being assured that your partner is not a whach job is most important. If someone starts with toe sucking then it would create a climate of unease... unless PL was drunk. One can certainly work up, but never on the first email.

Bob said...

PL,

Definately not the guy to spice up your moudlering, stagnant singlehood.

I think Nate would be a better choice for that.

Heh.

Anonymous said...

Since when is Bane from Pennsylvania?

Crom said...

Ugh.

Remember, when you are hearing everything that you want to hear, it is a sure sign that dude is a player.

prettylady said...

Bob, I think I just threw up in my mouth, a little.

And Crom, what about when you're hearing everything that makes you cringe, what is that a sign of?

Anonymous said...

Many lives... perhaps.

The Aardvark said...

My sweet, sorry about that. I didn't put in the "sarcasm" html tags.

Looks like the "nays" truly have it.
That's from the horse's mouth.

Y'know, you REALLY need one of those Lost In Space robot toys. When you get an email like that, or a long slender package that ticks, you can press the button and it goes "Danger, Danger, Will Robinson".
Better than the old Magic 8-Ball, and infinitely applicable.

garlic powder said...

.
I wouldn't offer to suck a girl's toes unless I'd seen them first. How about posting a picture of your feet?
.
.

Crom said...

PL asks, "what about when you're hearing everything that makes you cringe, what is that a sign of?"

Love. It must be love.

Heh.

backsidebender said...

http://tinyurl.com/z4avg

Bob said...

About the last thing I notice on a eye-turning female is her toes, other than the fact that she has approximately ten of them.

Ther's just way too much other stuff to obsess over.

Terrymum said...

NAY and again NAY. The problem with on-line suitors is that so often they are not accurately portraying who they are in real life. So, you are liable to get a man who hasn't ever kissed a woman, let alone done anything intimate with female toes...but who can only talk about such things to strangers...OR the opposite; someone who thinks that such a proposal is mild and sweet, because in real life they are akin to a sexual stalker.

SO - please, for the sake of your progeny and sanity, say nay!

prettylady said...

Oh, never fear, dear Terrymum, this man portrays himself accurately enough. Accurately enough for me to dismiss him out of hand, at any rate. Pretty Lady was not Born Yesterday. She was jist funnin'.

Terrymum said...

I thought as much, but as my son will tell you, "Mom's sarcasm meter is broken"! I'm so literal that it is painful sometimes! LOL.