Saturday, February 25, 2006

How to be Sexy


Pretty Lady has decided to give the boys a break. She was considering writing a treatise on "How to Screw Up," complete with lurid examples from her colorful past, but she has it on reliable information that this sort of thing is making the gentlemen's heads hurt. (Sorry, dear Mr. Nelson. You KNOW I consider all my champions to be superior examples of their gender, by definition.)

Instead, she has decided to offer some overwhelmingly upbeat advice which, she hopes, will additionally be simple and easy to follow. This advice applies equally to humans of all genders, anthropological classifications and orientations; in fact, many of the more obstreperous fellows around here would do well to take a few lessons from the Dandy. ;-)

Simply: Be Dave Matthews.

Not literally. More simply: Know thyself; and OWN it.

Pretty Lady is using Dave Matthews as an example, not only because his sardonic, quizzical smirk causes her higher intellect to momentarily cease functioning, but because his career is a perfect example of how to become wildly successful by accident. Dave himself has confessed that he doesn't understand how a band which specializes in fifteen-minute saxophone improvisations came to be packing stadiums in the late 1990s. Not only that, but Dave is a poster child for the Sensitive Individual who is Nevertheless, Mind-Bogglingly Charismatic.

Who was it that said that a gentleman must repress his feelings in order to be attractive to the opposite gender? This person has obviously never listened to Dave, abjectly growling out the lines:

Oh, have you no pity?
This thing I do
I do not deny it
All through this smile
Crooked as danger...
I would leave you now
If I had the strength to
I would leave you up
To your own devices
Will you not talk?
Can you take pity?
I don't ask much
But won't you speak
Please?
I must admit, the gravelly alto helps quite a bit. But the thing that makes it sexy is the way he is, figuratively, standing in the spotlight and confessing, "here I am, being hideously pathetic now. Got a problem with that?"

One knows that a man like that will move along through it presently. He will not wallow for decades, leaning on his closest companions and slowly draining them dry. Even in the depths of hopeless misery, he is both occupying the emotion and witnessing it. In a larger sense, then, he takes conscious and complete responsibility for himself, exactly as he is.

Hmph. Wandered off into esoteric rhetoric, there. I do apologize.

So, think of it like this; your task is to become so much yourself--quirky, odd, or pathetic as this may be--that you unwittingly assemble a cult following of hard-core fans. Do not think of how to please the masses. The masses have notoriously terrible taste. Notice the dumbest things about yourself, and cultivate them; nay, flaunt them. Occupy your territory.

Once you have this down, it is important to become comfortable enough within your unique star quality to be able to open up, and perceive the star quality within others. Surely everyone here is familiar with the comments of that lady who was fortunate enough to lunch with Messrs. Gladstone and Disraeli on consecutive days; when asked about her experience, she declared, "When I was with Mr. Gladstone, I was convinced that he was the most fascinating person in the world. With Mr. Disraeli, I was convinced that I was the most fascinating person in the world." The Disraeli technique is known as 'charm,' and this is what truly makes the world go round.

Related posts:
How to Ask a Lady Out
How to Ask a Gentleman Out
How to Pick a Lady Up

19 comments:

The Aardvark said...

Charm hath music to soothe....never mind.

I dunno, PL, the object lessons of "How to Screw Up"
might be fun. Certainly watching the uncomfortable squirming would be.
Happy Sunday!

Morgan said...

Lovely advice, Pretty Lady. Being genuine and attentive - even if one is not Dave Matthews - may fill a man's social calendar.

There is something to what you say. Look at Conan O'Brien. He regularly plays up his clumsy geekiness and I know a lot of women who are dying to embrace him to their bosoms and other parts of their bodies.

Off topic, would you mind if I linked to your blog. I find it extremely clever and enjoyable, even though I'm but a simple rusticator.

RJ said...

Dave Matthews?

Come on, you can do better than that. How about an example that isn't a gay poser?

prettylady said...

Morgan, my dear, I consider you ANYTHING but a simple rusticator--or else the QUEEN of simple rusticators. I would be honored. May I link to yours as well?

RJ--if even a gay poser can turn the classiest woman to a puddle of jelly, just by looking over his shoulder with raised eyebrow, should not this be deeply inspiring to the least of us?

Aardvark--do not worry. "How to Screw Up" is an inevitable topic. I just thought I'd pace out the pain.

Bane said...

Though he is a tragic idiot, and likely homosexual, he did dump a busload of poo on some folks, so I must award him some points, there.

And LOSE the comment registration, My Love. It vexes me.

Morgan said...

Morgan, Queen of Rusticators, is honored that Pretty Lady would even consider linking to her blog, let alone actually do it.

Bane, Dave Matthews is not gay. And he didn't dump poo on anyone; the poo fell out of his bus. Furthermore, I believe he paid whatever fine one is assessed for inadvertently dumping poo on the road.

Normally I wouldn't even come to the defense of a famous singer. But there's something about his eyes in that picture. It's as if they're imploring me to defend his honor.

Anonymous said...

I love your site since I found it from Megite Gossip News.

prettylady said...

Bane, I WOULD lose the comment verification, but then we'd be inundated with plugs for Megite Gossip News. It vexes me, too.

Bane said...

Haloscan, darling, pay the $12 for the premium version. If you care to keep your old Blogger comments, or use both systems, there are ways. I, however, remain blissfully ignorant of them.

Good luck, and until that happy day, goodbye.

prettylady said...

All RIGHT, Bane, all right. We shall give the naked version a trial. Remember you owe me a favor.

Morgan, not only would I consider linking to you, I have done it. The rat story caused me to laugh loudly and long, for some inexplicable reason.

Clay said...

Charm. Pretty lady, have you ever been issued a traffic citation in your life? I don't mean just being pulled over, I mean actually written-up? If so, he/she must have really been a loser.

Bane said...

I shall attempt to repay, my darling, if only in my moistest of dreams. And you said 'naked'.

prettylady said...

Of course I have been issued a traffic citation. I would never dream of using my charm to evade the law.

I did use it to get the handcuffs off when I was arrested for vandalism, though.;-)

Anonymous said...

I assumed at first the "busload of poo" comment was a metaphor for the volume of shitty music he's subjected us to over the years. I forgot about the incident.

blonde jokes said...

I don't think hes gay, but then again he ain't the poster boy for manness!

Check out blonde jokes for funny times.

shea said...

Dave is cool, but he can be kind of depressing. It's like he needs a mega amount of prozac.

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> "Notice the dumbest things about yourself, and cultivate them; nay, flaunt them" - Why sooo serious? :)

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Dave Matthews is too hot!! I love your band! is one of my favorites! this man is very successful!